Helping your child learn to drive can be one of the surprisingly enjoyable parts of being a parent. You get to spend time together, pass on some of your experience and watch them gradually develop the confidence and independence that comes with learning to drive.
For some parents, it’s great fun.
For others, it can be something of an emotional roller coaster.
And you probably won’t know which it’s going to be until you get into the car together!
The good news is that there is a great deal we can do to make private practice safer, calmer and more productive. My role as your child’s driving instructor isn’t simply to teach them what they need to pass their test. It’s also to give them good foundations that you can reinforce when you’re driving together.
Done properly, professional lessons and private practice complement each other extremely well.
Let me establish the foundations first
One of the best ways to make driving with your child less stressful is to allow me to establish some good foundations before you start doing too much private practice.
I’ll teach them how to control the car, make the appropriate observations, position themselves correctly, approach hazards and interact safely with other road users.
That means that when they get into the car with you, you don’t have to become their driving instructor from scratch.
Instead, your role is largely to help them practise, gain experience and reinforce good habits.
These aren’t simply habits designed to get them through a driving test. We’re trying to develop skills that will keep them safe throughout a lifetime of driving.
Private practice really matters
If you have the opportunity to drive regularly with your child, I’d strongly encourage you to do it.
There are two particularly important benefits.
The first is financial. Private practice can dramatically reduce the amount you need to spend on professional driving lessons. Once I’ve taught a skill, there is enormous value in your child simply having the opportunity to practise it.
The second benefit is arguably even more important: experience.
Professional lessons inevitably represent a limited number of hours behind the wheel. Driving with you allows your child to experience different roads, traffic levels, weather conditions and times of day.
They can drive on ordinary family journeys. They can encounter situations neither of us could deliberately manufacture during a lesson. Gradually, they stop concentrating entirely on operating the car and begin developing the judgement and awareness that comes from experience.
That can ultimately help them become a safer and more capable driver.
Start somewhere easy
When your child drives your car for the first time, don’t make things unnecessarily difficult.
If your driveway is awkward, for example, you drive the car off it.
Take them somewhere quiet, swap seats and start there.
Around Sevenoaks, there are several areas that can be useful for early practice, including the Vestry Estate behind McDonald’s, the Otford/Bubblestone Road area and Bradbourne Lakes.
The particular location isn’t really the important bit. The principle is:
Reduce the risks and reduce the distractions.
You want somewhere with fewer cars, fewer pedestrians, fewer complicated junctions and, frankly, fewer things to hit.
As their confidence and ability improve, you can progressively introduce more challenging environments.
Remember that your car will feel different
Even if your child has become reasonably confident in my car, yours may initially feel completely different.
The clutch may bite in a different place. The brakes may be more sensitive. The steering may feel heavier or lighter. Visibility will be different and the dimensions of the car may take some getting used to.
Give them time to adjust.
Don’t assume that because they can do something confidently during a lesson, they’ll immediately reproduce it perfectly in another car.
That’s actually another advantage of private practice. Learning to adapt to different vehicles helps them understand that they’re learning to drive, rather than simply learning to operate one particular car.
Keep calm – even when you don’t feel calm!
This is probably one of the most important pieces of advice in this guide.
Please try not to shout.
Your child is likely to be extremely sensitive to your reactions.
Even if you don’t say anything, they’ll probably notice you gripping the seat, reaching for the door handle, bracing yourself or suddenly taking a sharp breath.
Remember that they’re already concentrating extremely hard. If the person sitting beside them appears frightened, their stress levels can increase dramatically.
Repeated stressful experiences can damage a learner’s confidence and, in some cases, even make them reluctant to drive the family car.
Try to remain positive or, at the very least, emotionally neutral.
Of course, if something genuinely dangerous is happening, safety comes first. But once the immediate danger has passed, you don’t necessarily need to conduct the post-mortem while they’re still driving towards the next junction.
Find somewhere safe and pull over.
Then talk about what happened while the car is stationary.
A calm two-minute conversation at the side of the road is generally much more productive than an argument on the approach to a roundabout.
“They’re too close to the left!”
This is one of the most common concerns I hear from parents.
And sometimes the learner genuinely is too close to the left.
But sometimes they’re not.
Remember that you’re now sitting in the passenger seat. Suddenly, parked cars, hedges, kerbs and other obstacles are appearing on your side of the vehicle.
That can make you feel surprisingly vulnerable.
Without realising it, parents sometimes encourage their child to position the car further towards the centre of the road because it makes the parent feel safer.
Try to trust the positioning they’ve been taught. As you spend more time in the passenger seat, you’ll usually become much more comfortable with objects passing down your side of the car.
Let’s work together
One of the best ways we can help your child progress is by working in partnership.
If I identify something during a lesson that would benefit from additional practice, I’ll let you know. It might be observations, positioning, a particular manoeuvre, speed control, junctions or simply a type of road where they need more experience.
You can then work on that during private practice.
But the communication works both ways.
If you notice something while you’re driving together that concerns you, please tell me. I can look at it during their next lesson, work out what’s happening and provide some additional coaching where necessary.
You may occasionally see things that I don’t. Learners sometimes behave slightly differently when they’re driving with their parents than they do when they’re sitting next to their instructor.
Your feedback is therefore genuinely useful.
The aim is for us to work as a team, rather than teaching independently of one another.
Driving tuition has changed since you learnt
If, like me, you passed your driving test a few decades ago, you may be surprised by just how much driver training has changed.
Some things you were taught are no longer considered necessary. Other areas – particularly observations and awareness of vulnerable road users – receive considerably more emphasis.
So please don’t assume something is wrong simply because:
“That’s not how I was taught.”
There are several differences that parents particularly tend to notice.
Observations really matter
You’ll probably notice your child making considerably more observations than you remember making when you learnt.
Please help me reinforce them.
Modern roads are busy and complex, and good observations are fundamental to keeping pedestrians, cyclists, motorcyclists and other road users safe.
They’re also extremely important on the driving test. Consistently failing to make effective observations can result in an unsuccessful test.
So if you notice those observations disappearing during private practice, encourage your child to put them back in.
They’re not simply doing them for the examiner. We’re trying to create a habit that continues long after the test has been passed.
Don’t expect them to use the parking brake constantly
Your child may not use the parking brake nearly as often as you were taught to.
They won’t necessarily apply it every time they’re stationary in traffic, nor will they automatically use it for every hill start.
In many modern cars, the parking brake is principally used when the vehicle is actually parked, although there will naturally be circumstances where applying it while stationary is sensible.
So don’t worry if their hand isn’t constantly reaching for the handbrake.
Dry steering is perfectly acceptable
Another thing that may seem strange is dry steering – turning the steering wheel while the vehicle isn’t moving.
Many of us were taught that this was something you simply shouldn’t do.
That advice dates back to older vehicles and steering systems that were considerably less robust than those fitted to modern cars.
With a modern car, dry steering is perfectly acceptable when it’s useful, particularly during low-speed manoeuvring and parking.
Likewise, your child doesn’t have to use the old-fashioned “push-pull” or “feeding the wheel” technique.
They can make larger steering movements and their hands can cross. At very low speeds, they may even use the palm of their hand to help turn the wheel.
What matters is control.
When driving normally, I want them to have both hands on the steering wheel whenever practical and to steer smoothly and safely. We’re interested in the outcome rather than insisting upon one prescribed steering technique.
They don’t have to use every gear
The way we teach gears has changed too.
Many of us were taught to work sequentially through the gearbox:
First → second → third → fourth → fifth.
And then, when slowing down, to work our way back through them.
That’s no longer necessary.
Instead, we teach learners to choose the gear that’s appropriate for the speed and situation.
That means they may use what’s known as block shifting. They might, for example, accelerate in first and second and then, when appropriate, change directly from second to fourth.
It’s particularly noticeable when slowing down.
We no longer routinely use the gears to help slow the car by changing from fifth to fourth, fourth to third and then third to second.
We use the brakes to reduce the speed and then select the gear appropriate for the speed we’ve reached.
A good local example is leaving the A21 towards Morley’s roundabout. We might leave the slip road in fifth gear, use the brakes to reduce our speed and then change directly from fifth to second.
There’s a useful phrase that sums it up:
“Gears are for going, not for slowing.”
There’s nothing wrong with you continuing to drive using the technique you were taught. But please don’t encourage your child to work down through every gear simply because that’s how you learnt.
“But our family car is an automatic”
That’s not a problem.
If your child is learning in my manual car but your family car is an automatic, I’d still much rather they practised with you in the automatic than didn’t practise at all.
Learning to drive is about far more than clutch control and changing gears.
It’s about reading the road, anticipating hazards, interacting with other road users, choosing appropriate speeds, negotiating junctions and learning how the road network works.
All of those skills can be practised perfectly well in an automatic.
There can be a slightly amusing adjustment when they return to my manual car. They may initially forget to change gear because they’ve become accustomed to the car doing it for them. Occasionally they’ll arrive at a junction and stall because they’ve forgotten to put the clutch down.
But don’t worry.
Those manual skills generally return extremely quickly.
The additional road experience they gain with you is far more valuable than worrying about whether every mile of their practice has been completed in a manual car.
If they’re driving an automatic, use the right foot only
There is one thing I would particularly like you to reinforce if your child practises in an automatic:
The right foot operates both the accelerator and the brake.
Please don’t encourage them to use their right foot for the accelerator and their left foot for the brake.
If they’re learning a manual, their left foot already has a job: operating the clutch. Teaching it to operate the brake in another car can create unnecessary confusion.
Using the right foot for both pedals also reinforces a very simple sequence:
Off the gas → onto the brake.
Because the foot physically moves from one pedal to the other, it reduces the likelihood of inadvertently applying the accelerator and brake together and encourages smooth, deliberate pedal control.
So in an automatic, the left foot stays out of the way.
What if your car doesn’t have reversing cameras or parking sensors?
My tuition cars have a number of modern driver aids, including parking sensors and reversing cameras.
I actively encourage pupils to use them.
They’re there for a reason. Used properly, they provide useful additional information, reduce risk and can make manoeuvring considerably easier. They can also help a learner perform manoeuvres more accurately on their driving test.
However, your car absolutely does not need to have them.
Your child will still learn the observations, judgement and fundamental skills required to manoeuvre safely.
If they’re going to practise regularly in a car without these aids, just let me know. I can easily teach them how to adapt their technique so that they’re equally comfortable without them.
I want them to learn to drive the car they’re in, rather than become dependent upon one particular piece of technology.
Do you need to buy your child a car?
Not necessarily.
If you’re thinking about buying a first car, I’ve written a separate guide about choosing an appropriate vehicle for a learner or newly qualified driver.
However, your existing family car may be perfectly suitable.
One of the concerns parents naturally have is insurance. Your child must, of course, be properly insured before driving your vehicle.
One option worth investigating is learner driver insurance from Veygo. This can provide cover for the learner alongside an existing policy, so you may not necessarily have to change the car owner’s normal insurance arrangements. Depending on your circumstances, standalone cover may also be available.
Always check the current policy terms carefully and make sure the particular arrangement is appropriate for you.
Choose your parking practice carefully
Parking practice is valuable, but choose where you do it carefully.
Some car parks are considerably less forgiving than others, particularly when they’re busy.
Locally, I would encourage particular care around Miller & Carter in Sevenoaks and Sevenoaks railway station. Both can become busy environments, with vehicles and pedestrians moving around the car.
They aren’t necessarily where I’d choose to introduce somebody to parking for the first time.
Start somewhere quieter, with plenty of space and very little pressure. Once the technique and observations are established, progressively introduce more challenging environments.
The same principle applies throughout learning:
Build the difficulty gradually.
Your job isn’t to become a driving instructor
Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that you don’t need to turn yourself into a driving instructor.
That’s my job.
Let me provide the technical instruction, establish the foundations and deal with the more difficult areas.
What you can provide is something enormously valuable that is difficult to replicate entirely through professional lessons:
time behind the wheel.
Give them experience.
Let them drive familiar journeys. Let them experience unfamiliar roads. Drive when it’s busy and when it’s quiet. Let them experience different weather and, when they’re ready, darkness. Let them make decisions rather than constantly telling them what to do.
And when things don’t go perfectly – because they won’t – keep calm, talk about what happened and allow them to learn from it.
Between us, we can give your child something much more valuable than simply enough knowledge to pass a driving test.
We can help them become a safe, confident and independent driver for life.